I dreamed last night that a Lego action-figure of Vegeta tried to kill me. It’s funnier now than it was when I was dreaming it. The night before that, I dreamed I shot Negan in the leg with his own machine gun then fought to hold him back behind the door. Needless to say, I’ve been stressed. Today, I remembered something I wish I hadn’t. A certain kind of snowfall forced me to remember.
Middle age is an amazing time of life. There is a lot of time spent on self-evaluation. You start thinking about your bucket list. You fill your bucket list and start checking things off that list. For me, forty is simple: Either you’re happy with the last 40 years or you’re not. At 40, you seek to change the things that make you unhappy. You become determined to make the next 40 years better than what you had. You care less for the petty, and focus more on your pursuit of happiness and self-fulfillment.
At 35, I had the classic midlife crisis. I did what only I knew how and I turned to health. The more I examined my mental health, the more I realized how neglected my physical health was. This self-journey, this walk-about began in 2015 and led to a massive discovery of self.
From this journey, I have come full circle and am rearing to set out again. But before I do, I want to check in with you and share my findings, After all, whether you knew it or not, you shared part of this journey with me.
Many of you have asked how I have done CyCon. The explanation is simple. I am manic. Many have a wrong idea of what exactly manic is. Manic is an excessive and energetic high, like cocaine or speed…or both. I slept 3 hours a night, wrote a 90,000 word novel in two weeks, gardened 42-feet in a couple hours, and built CyCon. My manic episodes lasted months. Sometimes, more than half a year. In September, my manic would end and I would plunge to the opposite end of the mood spectrum. I would withdraw, curl up in my room and contemplate ways to kill myself. Stress triggered my manic episodes and are always followed by dangerous suicidal lows.
CyCon was built for a need of approval from all of you. It was built to distract me from Broken. It was built because I wanted to do something that mattered. I needed to be remembered. Whatever the reasons, I couldn’t see just who I was. From 2015 to 2018, I had lost myself. I returned to existentialism, I questioned everything and, trusted myself the least. I made decisions wholly on the opinion of others and, in so doing, lost more of myself. The more I healed, the less I needed CyCon.
This last month, I have returned to the hum drum life of the 9 to 5 and have been met with an emptiness I had not expected to find there. It wasn’t until today that I realized just what I needed to do to obtain job satisfaction. For me, my life is not complete unless I feel like I’m making a difference in the lives of others. I thought back to when I felt that level of satisfaction and all my thoughts turned back to you and to CyCon.
Perhaps Brain to Books started because I needed the distraction. Perhaps it started because of my manic moods. Maybe it grew because I needed more approval. But today I need it because I love making a difference in the lives of people. I need it because it brought all of us together for a few whirlwind months. It beckoned us out of our caves. It made an extrovert out of this introvert. Something about CyCon heals many of us. I don’t know why or what it is, but, since CyCon 2015 I’ve witnessed this healing over and over, year after year.
Many of you may see me as wayward, indecisive, or fickle. You may mutter something akin to “Make up your mind already.” And I don’t care. Life is self-journey. And sometimes you don’t realize you want the gauntlet until you drop it a few times.
In short, B2BCyCon 2018 is back on and this time, I’ve made some changes.
- B2BCyCon 2018 is open.
- Admission is FREE!.
- This year I am juggling CyCon around a full time day job
- I need your help.
Every year, I present a theme. This year, the theme is friendship, family, and unity. We are taking time out again this spring to unite. That being said, I want your story. I want every one of you to answer a question in 10,000 words or less: Tell me why you write. What emotion(s) does it give you? We are all stories. I want yours. That is the cost of admission this year. Just your story.